My mom got the little catalog from Vermont County Store a few times a year, as did other aged loved ones. I suspect the pajamas we got for Christmas as teens came from there, guaranteed to keep you virginal and sweet. You know the kind? Like Amy wears on The Big Bang Theory, made of flannel with high necks and too many buttons. A man would have to have a lot of imagination and patience to unwrap you. Libido Killers for sure. Our house got on their mailing list a few years ago and flipping through it was like going through my MIL’s closet or bureau.

I spotted the ad on Facebook with photos of things Gammy and Mom used decades ago and had to click. Yep, the pajamas were still there in all their Amy glory. Other cloth versions of things that middle-aged and elderly people need of they, ahem, leak. Then I just had to click on the Health and Wellness section, then spotted “Sexual Health”. Mom gave off vibes that she and my dad never had sex like my sister, and I just showed up in a basket. Which is getting close to a topic  I don’t want to know about anyway. But my eyes stopped on a “Sexual Health” section in Ye Olde Vermont Country Store’s website, then yanked me in. What did this business consider sexual health?

Wow. Just wow.

The page opened up to… vibrators. Vibrators? The same store where Gammy buys her maple syrup and maple cream cookies? Where she can source muumuus until the Vermont cows come home? I’m starting to question if I actually know her. Or is it Mom’s age group who are rating the vibrators and buying Frownies?

I’m trying to picture how one would need both a vibrator and a pack of Frownies anyhow, but then maybe it’s a one-two punch. You know, stop frowning because the vibrator did its job? If the Frownie hurts, you’re scowling too much while masturbating?

So instead aged loved ones searching the Internet for “Martial Aids”, visiting a local Cindy’s or Adam and Eve, they can just add a vibrator to the shopping cart with the maple creams (don’t go there). So if you see a Valentine’s package arrive this week at Gammy’s door from Vermont County Store, you’d better ask before opening it for said aged one. Some things even a whole bottle of wine can’t erase from your brain.